Who's On First Kuroshitsuji Ver
by White Wave 1218
Summary: There can never be peace and quiet for to long in the Phantomhive Manor. The story of how a peaceful tea time can be absolutely destroyed by a simple talk about baseball. OCs involved. OOCness too, I believe. No Yaoi.


**Author's Note: My brother and I were talking about this routine by Abbott and Costello when he asked me, "What would happen if Ciel and Alois were doing with it?" So I came up with this. Hope you like it.  
**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Kuroshitsuji or the original 'Who's On First' routine. The credit for that goes to the comedy legions Bud Abbott and Lou Costello.  
**

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For once the Phantomhive manor was quiet. This is unusual, quite unusual.

Genero was in a good mood. Sebastian and Claude were behaving themselves. And Hebi, Alois, and Ciel were sitting in the study having tea: quietly.

But like all good things, the silence was destined to end.

Alois lit the fuse by saying, "You know it seems to me that Humans give these ball players now-a-days very peculiar names."

Hebi cocked her head, "What do you mean by peculiar names?" she asked

"Just strange names, pet names...like Dizzy Dean..."

Ciel broke in then, "His brother Daffy."

"Daffy Dean..." Alois said.

"And their French cousin." Ciel added

"French?" Hebi asked, frowning.

"Goofè Dean." Alois answered.

"Well…" Hebi said thinking, "I don't think there as funny as Ciel's nickname."

Ciel frowned, tapping a finger on his cane, "I don't think there's anything funny about 'The Queen's Watchdog'"

Hebi began to laugh, "No. No, I was talking about the one me and Alois use behind your back."

One of the Earl's eyebrows rose, "Oh, and that would be?"

Alois quickly cut in saying, "Now, let's see, we have on one team in America, St. Louis, Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third..."

Ciel frowned then and cut the blond boy off, "Wait, wait… we're trying to find out their names."

"And I said: Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third." Alois said.

"Don't you know the fellows' names?"

"Of course I do."

"Well then who's on first?"

"Yes."

"I mean the fellow's name."

"Who."

"The guy on first."

"Who.

"The first baseman."

"Who."

"The guy playing…"

"Who is on first!" Alois insisted.

Ciel stood up, "What are you asking ME for?"

Alois stood to, "I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. Who is on first."

"But I'm asking you who's on first."

"THAT'S THE MAN'S NAME!" Alois yelled at the blue-haired Earl

"That's who's name?!" Ciel asked again, his own exasperation rising.

"Yes."

"Well go ahead and tell me."

"Who."

"The guy on first"

"Who"

"The first baseman." Ciel emphasized.

"WHO IS ON FIRST!" Alois yelled again. He couldn't understand why Ciel wasn't getting it.

Ciel took a deep breath. Then he said to Alois very slowly. "Have you got a first base man on first?"

"Certainly." Alois answered.

"Then who's playing first?" Ciel asked.

"Absolutely." Alois said, hitting his fist into the palm of his hand.

While the two boys were arguing Hebi just sat there, watching with rapt attention.

Ciel walked in a small circle trying to calm himself. Then he had an idea. He turned back to Alois and asked, "When they pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?"

"Every dollar of it." Alois said, "And why not the man's entitled to it."

"Who is?" Ciel asked.

"Yes." The blonde said, nodding.

"So who gets it."

"Why shouldn't he?" Alois asked.

Hebi sensing that one of the two boys was about to give up she decided to throw in something, "Maybe his wife comes and gets it." She suggested. Ceil, unfortunately, took the bait.

"Whose wife?" he asked Alois.

"Yes." Alois replied, "After all the man earns it."

"Who dose?" Ciel asked.

"Absolutely." Alois said.

"All I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base." Ciel almost wailed.

"No." Alois cut in, "What is on second base."

"I'm not asking you who's on second." Ciel said.

"Who's on first." Alois corrected again.

Ciel was quickly reaching the end of his rope, "THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING TO FIND OUT!" he yelled.

"Well, don't change the players around." Alois said, getting frustrated again.

"I'm not changing nobody!" Ciel growled, his fist clenched in to a ball and he was seriously considering if punching the blonde Guardian would make him feel better.

"Take it easy, Ciel." Alois said, seeing the threating fist and was quickly trying to placate the boy.

"What's the guy's name on first base?" Ciel asked, through clenched teeth.

"What is the guy's name on second base." Alois corrected.

"I'm not asking you who's on second."

"Who's on first."

"I don't know." Ciel said

"He's on third, we're not talking about him." Alois said, waving a hand dismissively.

At this moment Sebastian, hearing the commotion, came to check on them. Neither of the boys noticed his entrance. The demon came over to where Hebi was watching and asked, "Should I stop them or get Genero perhaps?"

Hebi shook her head, "No! Are you kidding me? This is the most fun I've had all week. Sit down." She suggested, pointing at the spot next to her, "It's getting good."

A bit warily Sebastian sat next to Hebi on the couch and watched the two arguing Guardians.

"Now how did I get on third base?" Ciel asked, gesturing with his cane

"You mentioned his name." Alois answered.

"If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?"

"No. Who's playing first."

"STAY OFF OF FIRST WILL YOU!" Ciel yelled

"What do you want me to do?!" Alois asked pleadingly.

"What's the guy's name on third base?!"

"What's on second."

"I'm not asking you who's on second"

"Who's on first."

"I don't know!"

"He's on third."

"There I go, back on bloody third base again!"

"Well I can't change their names."

"Would you just stay on third base, Alois. Try to work with me here." Ciel said gesturing with both hands, one still wielding the cane.

"All right, what do you want to know?" Alois asked, really annoyed now.

"What is the fellow's name on third base?"

"What is the fellow's name on second base."

"I'm not asking you who's on second."

"Who's on first."

"I don't know!"

"Third base!" This time both boys spoke at the same time.

By now the audience had grown to include Claude, Tarnee, Ociannah, and the servants. All of whom watched with rapt attention.

Taking a deep breath Ciel asked, "You gotta outfield?"

"Oh, Sure." Alois answered.

"St. Louis' has a good out field?"

"Well I suppose."

"The left fielder's name?"

"Why."

Ciel froze, and started to bounce on his feet a bit. The audience could practically hear his sanity cracking. Finally he managed to say, "I don't know, I just thought I'd ask ya."

"Well, I just thought I'd tell ya." Alois said crossing his arms, but his eyes were now carefully watching Ciel's hands. One was clenched so hard the knuckles looked like they were about to break through the skin and the other kept tightening the grip it had on the cane, but the item didn't break due to the spells the Crystals had placed on it for situations similar to this.

"Then tell me who's playing left field." Ciel ordered.

"Who's playing first." Alois said, his voice rose a bit.

"Stay out of the infield! I want to know what's the guy's name in left field?!" Ciel yelled

"No, What is on second."

"I'm not asking you who's on second."

"Who's on first!"

"I don't know."

"Third base!" The two yelled at the same time, again.

"It like a ping pong mach." Ociannah whispered.

"More like they keep going in circles." Claude muttered.

Ciel stepped towards Alois raising the cane.

"Whoa, take it easy." Alois said, stepping back. He gently placed a hand on Ciel arm and made him lower it.

"The left fielder's name?" Ciel asked again

"Why." Alois told him his voice pleading.

"Because!" Ciel replied.

"Oh, he's centerfield." Alois said waving his hand.

CRASH!

Ciel smashed his fist into the wall making a good sized hole.

Sebastian winced, "I'm going to have to fix that… aren't I?" he asked. Everyone nodded.

Ciel turned back to Alois who now looked a bit scared that he would be next. "You gotta pitcher on this team?" Ciel asked when he had his temper again.

"Wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher, Ciel." Alois said, rolling his eyes.

"The pitcher's name?" Ciel asked.

"Tomorrow."

Ciel moved the cane to the other hand. It made a small smack when he did, portraying his wrath. But Ciel, somehow, kept his head. "You don't want to tell me today?" He asked taking a deep breath.

"I'm telling you now." Alois said.

"Then go ahead." Ciel said nodding.

"Tomorrow!"

"What time?"

"What time what?"

"What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?!"

"Now listen. Who is not pitching. Who is-"

"I'LL BREAK YOUR ARM IF YOU SAY WHO'S ON FIRST!" Ciel shouted, raising his fist for emphasis, "I want to know what's the pitcher's name." he said.

"What's on second."

"I don't know."

"Third base!" they both yelled, this time trying to beat each other to it.

They both reigned in their respective tempers.

"You gotta a catcher?" Ciel asked.

"Yes." Alois growled.

"The catcher's name?"

"Today."

"Today, and tomorrow's pitching."

"Now you've got it."

"Oh, so we got a couple of bloody days on the team. Excellent." Ciel said, nodding. "You know I'm a catcher too." Ciel said after a moment's pause.

"Oh," Alois said a bit surprised, "Really? Funny, first time I've heard of this."

Ciel frowned and spoke in the same tone, "Honestly, Genero and them, they never told you?"

"No, they did not." Alois said shaking his head.

Ciel promptly stomped on Alois' foot. The blonde Guardian choked back a yell.

Claude made a move to get up, but Hebi quickly grabbed his arm, "No! Stay back." She hissed. Claude reluctantly sat down again.

"You know," Alois began, gasping a bit, "I think I'm starting to remember now. Yes, Hebi was telling me about that little hidden skill of yours the other day." He said quickly

Ciel stepped off the blonde's foot and said, "Now, if I was catching for the team, Tomorrow's pitching on my team and a heavy hitter gets up. Now the heavy hitter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me, being a good catcher, I'm gonna throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball and throw it to who?" he asked, hope gleaming in his visible eye.

"Now that's the first thing you've said right." Alois said relived.

"I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE HELL I'M SAYING!" Ciel yelled.

"But that's all you have to do." Alois wailed, he took Ciel by the shoulders and began to shake the boy, "It's not rocket science, Ciel!"

"All I have to do is throw the ball to first base?" Ciel asked, resisting the urge to throw Alois out the window.

"Yes!" Alois said giving him another small shake.

"Now who's got it?" Ciel asked.

"Naturally." Alois sighed, dropping his arms, the hope now filling his eyes.

"Who has it?"

"Naturally."

"Naturally?"

"Naturally." Alois fell into his chair, relieved.

"So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally."

The hope and relief that had been coursing through Alois disappeared the instant Ciel said those words. He got up and once again confronted the boy, "No you don't, you throw the ball to first base-"

"Then who gets it?" Ciel cut in.

"Naturally." Alois snapped.

"Okay. I throw the ball to Naturally."

"You don't. You throw it to Who."

"Naturally."

"That's it. Say it like that."

"But that's what I said!"

"You did not."

"I said I throw the ball to Naturally"

"You don't. You throw it to Who."

"Naturally."

"Yes."

"So I throw the ball to first base and Naturally gets it."

"NO! You throw the ball to first base."

"Then who gets it"

"Naturally."

"THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!"

"You're not saying that."

Hebi then leaned over to Tarnee and said, "They're going in circles again."

"Like a rat on a wheel." The Healer agreed.

"I throw the ball to Naturally!" Ciel yelled.

"You throw it to Who!" Alois shouted back.

"Naturally!"

"Well say it that way."

"That's what I'm saying!" Ciel started to stomp his foot as an emphasis.

Sebastian face palmed, _Young Master only little girls stomp their feet when their mad like that._

"I throw the ball to first base-"Ciel started.

"And then Who gets it." Alois said quickly.

"HE BETTER GET IT OR THERE'LL BE HELL TO PAY!" Ciel finally had reached the end of his rope." Now I throw the ball to first base. Whoever it is drops the ball and the guy runs to second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to What. What throws it to I Don't Know. I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow, and it's a triple play."

"It could be." Alois said crossing his arms and nodding.

"Another guy gets up and hits a long fly ball to Because! Why?! I don't know! He's on third and I don't care!" Ciel yelled throwing his arms up in frustration. Alois ducked to avoid the cane.

"What was that?" Alois asked, he'd missed that last part.

"I said, 'I don't care'." Ciel hissed.

"Oh, that's the shortstop." Alois said laughing now.

With a scream of frustration, Ciel flung the cane to the ground and hit Alois square in the face. The boy flew through the window, breaking it, and shot through three trees before landing in the ground, causing a nice little crater.

The audience, who had ducked to avoid the flying boy, looked warily back at Ciel.

The Guardian looked ruffled and was panting hard, his fist still clenched into a ball. Then he slowly straightened up, took a deep breath, and turned to walk out of the room.

At that moment the door flew open. Genero stood there, looked around the room with a half stunned half horrified expression on her face. "What. The hell. Happed. Here?" she said very slowly, looking each person in the face.

Hebi gave a nervous giggle, "Well, Genero… I'm never one to pin the blame on someone but, uh. Ciel did it!" she cried, pointing at the now startled Earl.

"Eh! Genero! I, um…" Ciel trailed off when he saw Genero eyes begin to glow the deep crimson red that they did when she was really pissed off.

"Well," Genero said, in that cheerful voice that promised hell, "When Alois comes back (if he survived that) you may inform him that he and Ciel may work out whatever it is that they were arguing about while they scrub every hallway in the manor. With a toothbrush."

"Ummm…" Sebastian said warily, "What about the damage in this room?"

"Oh," she said, snapping her fingers, "That's right. Thanks for reminding me. Hebi can fix it all by herself"

"What!?" the winged girl cried, "But I didn't do anything!"

"You could have stopped them. But no you sat there and actually recorded this whole fiasco! Now the rest of you," she turned to address the rest of the audience," disperse." She ordered, "And Tarnee. Go see what you can do for Alois. I bet he's in bad shape."

Then Genero walked up and snatched Hebi's hand-held form her. "You'll get this back." The Crystal assured her, "At some point in time."

Genero walked out with groans and protests ringing in her ears.

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**Thank you for reading! **


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